Why I’m Choosing to be Childfree
I want to kick this off by stating that I love kids. I’m a (albeit burnt out) primary teacher by trade and have spent my life around other people’s kids. Many of my friends and family members have chosen to have children and live extremely joyful and satisfied lives. Just the other day I was sitting next to a lady who had a 6-month-old and it was the cutest, chubby-cheeked, little bubba that I absolutely could have taken home. I truly do love kids but I think these days, I’m now able to discern between simply having a cute baby and the clucky feeling vs. the realities of what that entails for the next 18+ years.
Today’s blog doesn’t have an agenda apart from sharing my feelings about my choice. Many women have chosen to raise children; a choice which I absolutely honour and respect. This blog is not to throw any shade on that choice, but purely to unpack and explore the choice that I have made.
What does being childfree mean?
First up, it’s critical to acknowledge the important difference between being childfree vs. childless.
Childfree; people who have made an active choice not to have children.
Childless; people who would like to have children but haven’t yet done so or are unable to do so.
The topic of having children is a very sensitive one and can carry a huge amount of sensitivity and emotions. As I publish today’s blog post I want to acknowledge the pain and struggles of those who would like to have their own family but who are unable to for either medical, social or fertility reasons.
Why did I decide to be childfree?
At the time of writing this, I’m about to turn 38 and as I reflect on my choice over the years, it’s clear that it has changed depending on the circumstances I was in.
I have worked in schools for almost 20 years now and I truly do think that that has had the biggest influence on my choice not to have children. Working with children between 6 - 12 years old, I have seen first-hand the cognitive, physical and emotional struggles kids face on a daily basis. Coming home after a day of school was truly the best feeling where I could just sit in silence or veg out in front of the latest binge-worthy TV show and try to let the day wash away. I was always very grateful that I wasn’t coming home to kids of my own as I was acutely aware that that would mean kids in my life from my waking hour to bedtime that night. I just knew that I wouldn’t cope with that and I couldn’t fathom how parents who were also teachers managed all that. I think that part of this is a personality thing - I was never able to be a teacher who could leave work at work and would find myself carrying the pain and worries of my students well into my own private life. These days I’m a substitute/relief teacher which is a much more balanced and digestible approach to teaching for me.
Making the choice to become childfree is obviously deeply personal - here are a few reasons that have influenced my decision.
Desire for Freedom & Flexibility
For me, I have always wanted to prioritise travel, hobbies, and my career without the responsibilities of parenting. I never wanted to have to pick one or the other and for me choosing to sacrifice travel feels like a greater loss than not having children. Having my own time has also always been important to me and I can’t see myself coping with sacrificing every waking hour for an infant.
Fulfillment Outside of Parenthood
I feel complete, happy and at peace without raising children. I can’t recall feeling the deep pull to raise and live the family life. I know that isn’t super common, however, I feel that you kind of need to feel that inner desire if you’re going to dive all in. It’s too life-changing to not be 100% sure!!
Preference for a Quiet or Low-Stress Life
Just the thought of carrying the responsibility for another human being gives me anxiety. Avoiding the emotional, physical, and financial demands of parenting is a huge reason why I’m not interested in raising kids of my own. I have teenage brothers and the teenage stressors that they indirectly evoke is enough to further solidify my decision.
High Cost of Raising a Child
With the current cost of living crisis, having another mouth to feed, educate, clothe and protect is a huge financial burden when we are all feeling the financial pinch as is. I genuinely don’t know how I could afford to pay for a child right now with all the other expenses on my plate.
Overpopulation & Resource Consumption
This reason probably wouldn’t apply if I had a deep desire to procreate, however, the state of the world isn’t fantastic right now. There are serious environmental issues at play that overpopulation isn’t helping with. In a way, choosing to be childfree is me doing my bit for the world we live in.
Lack of a Supportive Partner or Network
This was a pretty big reason when I was previously married. At the time, I couldn't see myself having to raise a child and a husband simultaneously. We were both young and weren’t versed in how to manage a relationship and share the load. The burden seemed too heavy to do alone and, unfortunately, I didn’t feel supported in that way. Perhaps in another parallel life, I married someone who I felt supported by, and potentially my attitudes to having kids would have been very different.
The Influence of Social Media
Quite frankly, this is one of the reasons that terrifies me most. There is so much external influence on kids these days, that unless you live off-grid on a compound, there is no way to shield children from the copious amount of adult content available to them at their fingerprints. I’m not just talking about nudity and p0rn etc., the mere fact that 8-year-old girls are talking about Drunk Elephant and Laniege skincare makes me extremely concerned for their long-term body image issues and overall wellbeing. Kids are no longer kids these days and the majority of parents are enabling it!!
When did I know I didn’t want kids?
It felt scary in my twenties to consider not having my own family as I was conditioned to think that that was the 'correct' societal path to take. Plus I think in my early twenties I actually did want to have children, or at least I didn’t consider any alternative options. As I've gotten older, and transitioned through some heavy life experiences, I feel a lot more at peace about my choice. I think it was around the age of 35 when I was pretty certain I didn’t want to have my own children. The moment I decided I felt so free knowing that I didn’t have to race that metaphorical ticking clock and pop out a baby before my time was up. I'm also a massive worrier - so to me, the thought of loving a child so much that I worry about how their life will turn out feels overwhelming so to not have that pressure is also a very freeing feeling.
What if I don’t have anyone to look after me and keep me company when I’m old?
I'm currently seeing someone with two younger children that he co-parents. That's a challenge in itself but, fortunately, he is very much on board with not wanting any more children. In a way, I get the benefits of a blended family without the 20+ year commitment of one. We get to be a family unit in the time he has his children and we still get the freedom to do life with just the two of us when they’re at their mums. Even without my partner’s children, many of my close friends have gorgeous kids as well as my sister and other family members. I’m more than happy being involved in their lives, giving them all the love I can give.
Will I regret not having kids?
I think the older you get, the more clear and confident you become in your choice - you also start to care a lot less what other people think you should do. As cliche as it sounds, you could die tomorrow - you only live once, so I would hate to have kids just because I thought that was what I was supposed to do in this life. There are still so many things I want to achieve/see/do and having kids doesn't always easily lend itself to those things. Whilst I am curious to know what pregnancy feels like or what my potential child would even look like, I don't think those things alone are enough of a reason to have a child. I also have so many beautiful children around me that I truly do feel like my cup is full in that way.
We all change, evolve and grow over time. Change is inevitable and we can often change our minds about things. I have no idea if in 20 years, I will look back and be like ‘silly girl, why didn’t she build a family?’. BUT I will say, this is my choice right now and I feel so at peace about it. That’s all you can do. There is no crystal ball giving us glimpses of the future. Just know that with each year that goes by, I feel more and more confident in my choice. I think as you start to understand how truly short life is, you become much more intentional with how you want to spend those years. For me, a comfort in case I do change my mind is that there is always an opportunity to foster children or even adoption. A couple of my friends have gone down the path of freezing their eggs too - there are always alternative pathways despite society telling us we need the 2.5 kids and a white picket fence.
Are you struggling with this choice?
My advice to you is to try and tune out the white noise and get clear on what YOU want. At the end of the day, if you are considering being childfree then it is your body and your desires that will be sacrificed and you need to be at peace with that. There's so much external messaging adding pressure and expectations to us women, try you best to push that into the peripheral so you can make an informed choice. Create a vision for what you want your future life to look like and decide if you're ready to include children in that picture. Alternatively, do some work experience in a school and that might help you make your decision quicker! haha jokes aside - it is a deeply personal choice and whichever path you choose is perfectly OK and right!
Finally, this is just my experience - one experience and opinion out of billions of people in the world. You need to decide on the kind of life you want and whether children fit into your view of that. There, of course, will be people who call you selfish and criticise your choice. They may even feel threatened that you aren’t conforming to the traditional societal norms and take it personally, but to that, Mel Robbins would say, ‘let them’.
If you’ve stumbled across this blog post on the World Wide Web, drop a comment below and let me know your experience with making this choice!
